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Managing Parenting Triggers

8 min read

When your child's behaviour triggers your rejection sensitivity, the pain can be overwhelming. This guide helps you identify your specific triggers and develop strategies to respond rather than react.

Common Parenting Triggers

Verbal Triggers

"I hate you!"
"You're the worst parent"
"I want Daddy/Mummy instead"
Criticism of your choices
"You don't understand"

Behavioural Triggers

Eye rolling, sighing
Walking away mid-conversation
Refusing hugs
Choosing others over you
Not responding to messages

Situational Triggers

Parent-teacher meetings
Comparison to other parents
Your child struggling
Co-parent disagreements
"Perfect parent" social media

The Trigger-Reaction Cycle

Understanding your cycle is key to breaking it

1
Trigger
Child says/does something
2
Interpret
Brain reads it as rejection
3
Surge
Intense pain, shame, anger
4
React
Shutdown OR explosion
5
Aftermath
Guilt, repair needed

The STOP Technique

S

Stop

Freeze. Don't say anything yet. Put your hands behind your back if needed.

T

Take a breath

Three slow breaths. In for 4, hold for 4, out for 6. This engages your parasympathetic nervous system.

O

Observe

Notice: What am I feeling? What is my child feeling? What just happened objectively?

P

Proceed mindfully

Choose your response. It's okay to say: "I need a moment before we talk about this."

Your Trigger Management Toolkit

Physical Strategies

  • Cold water on wrists or face
  • Grounding: feel feet on floor
  • Shake out hands, roll shoulders
  • Smooth stone or fidget in pocket

Mental Strategies

  • "This isn't about me"
  • Visualise boxing the feeling
  • Count backwards from 10
  • "Will this matter in a year?"

Environmental

  • Designated calm-down spot
  • Code word with partner
  • Noise-cancelling headphones
  • Peaceful photo on phone

When to Walk Away

It's okay - and sometimes necessary - to temporarily remove yourself:

When you feel yourself about to say something hurtful
When your body is shaking or you can't think clearly
When staying will escalate the situation
When you need to cry privately

Say: "I need to take a break. I'll be back in five minutes."

After You've Been Triggered

Immediate Steps

  1. 1Give yourself compassion. This is hard.
  2. 2Regulate before reconnecting. You can't help when dysregulated.
  3. 3When calm, repair with your child if needed.

Later Reflection

  • What specifically triggered you? (Be precise)
  • What interpretation did your brain make?
  • What might have been actually true?
  • What could help next time?

Talking to Your Child About Your Triggers

Young Children

"Sometimes Mummy/Daddy's feelings get really big and I need a break. It's not your fault."

Older Children

"I have something called rejection sensitivity. When you say X, my brain makes it feel bigger than it is. I'm working on it."

Teens

"I want to be honest about why I sometimes react strongly. It helps me when you..."

Progress, Not Perfection

You won't manage every trigger perfectly. That's not the goal. The goal is to catch yourself faster, recover quicker, and repair well. Each time you handle a trigger a little better, you're building new neural pathways. Change is possible.