Practicing Self-Compassion
10 min read
Self-compassion is the antidote to the harsh self-criticism that fuels RSD. It's not about letting yourself off the hook - it's about treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend.
The Three Components of Self-Compassion
Based on Dr. Kristin Neff's research, self-compassion has three core elements:
Self-Kindness
Being warm and understanding toward yourself when you suffer, fail, or feel inadequate.
Instead of: "I'm so stupid for feeling this way"
Try: "This is really hard. It's okay to struggle."
Common Humanity
Recognizing that suffering and imperfection are shared human experiences.
Instead of: "I'm the only one who feels this way"
Try: "Many people struggle with rejection sensitivity."
Mindfulness
Holding painful experiences in balanced awareness, neither ignoring nor exaggerating.
Instead of: "This is a total disaster"
Try: "This is a moment of difficulty. It will pass."
The Self-Compassion Break
Use this three-step practice when you're having an RSD moment or any time you're being hard on yourself:
Acknowledge the Pain (Mindfulness)
Place your hand on your heart. Say: "This is a moment of suffering" or "This hurts" or "This is really difficult right now."
Remember You're Not Alone (Common Humanity)
Say: "Suffering is part of being human" or "Other people feel this way too" or "I'm not alone in this."
Offer Yourself Kindness (Self-Kindness)
Say: "May I be kind to myself" or "May I give myself the compassion I need" or "May I accept myself as I am."
Write Yourself a Compassionate Letter
After an RSD episode, write yourself a letter as if you were writing to a dear friend who experienced the same thing.
Start with acknowledgement:
"I can see you're really hurting right now. That interaction felt so painful, and it makes sense that you're upset..."
Add perspective:
"Remember, your brain is wired to feel rejection more intensely. This doesn't mean you're weak or broken - it's just how you're built..."
Offer encouragement:
"You've gotten through episodes like this before. This feeling will pass. You're doing the best you can, and that's enough..."
Keep your letters somewhere you can reread them during future difficult moments.
Daily Self-Compassion Practices
Morning Intention
Start your day with: "Today, I will treat myself with kindness, especially if things get difficult."
Compassionate Touch
When stressed, place your hand over your heart or give yourself a hug. Physical touch releases oxytocin.
Reframe Self-Talk
Notice when you're being self-critical. Ask: "Would I say this to a friend?" Then revise.
Loving-Kindness Meditation
Spend 5 minutes sending yourself wishes: "May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I be at peace."
Evening Acknowledgement
Before bed, name one way you showed up for yourself today, no matter how small.
Mistake Ritual
When you make a mistake, say: "Everyone makes mistakes. This is how I learn. I forgive myself."
Self-Compassion Myths
Myth: "Self-compassion is self-pity"
Truth: Self-pity is "poor me" thinking that exaggerates suffering. Self-compassion acknowledges pain while maintaining perspective.
Myth: "It will make me weak or lazy"
Truth: Research shows self-compassionate people are actually MORE motivated and resilient, not less.
Myth: "I don't deserve compassion"
Truth: Compassion isn't earned. Every human being deserves kindness, including you.
Myth: "Being hard on myself keeps me accountable"
Truth: Self-criticism creates shame, which leads to avoidance. Self-compassion enables honest self-reflection.
Start Where You Are
Self-compassion might feel awkward at first, especially if you're used to being self-critical. That's okay. Start with one small practice. Over time, self-compassion becomes more natural - and it fundamentally changes your relationship with yourself and your RSD.